Goodbye to 2010! So many highs and lows. The thing that I finally got over was ***** cheating on me with Maria Aquino Lauer. How convenient it is for some people to preach and say they are Christians while their life is not being held accountable. When she knew our marriage was rocky, she placed herself in by calling my husband and pretending to be a friend and well lets say a few weeks later she ended up sleeping with him and well now they're together. In the meantime my younger daughter still thinks they're only friends and both of my kids just tolerate her out of respect of ****. I was sad at the fact that instead of fighting for our family, he chose to be with someone who basically was key in wrecking our home. But anyway, enough about that, she's nothing to me then and she nothing to me now.

Spent some time in the hospital last year with a myriad of not feeling well stuffs, heart issues, water in the lungs, hard time breathing and so on and for the most part I was able to face it with someone by my side. I'm so thankful and grateful and have deep respect for this person. he has been awesome in every way in taking the time to be at the hospital every day, in taking care of me even when i didn't want to be taken cared of.

the other high notes was going away on vacation three times this year. so blessed to have experienced those moments. those memories will always stay with me. Just thinking about those times always puts a smile on my face. I love the fact that the things we have done together is new thing for both of us. i love sharing those moments with him as we build memories together.

its my daughter's birthday today, she's ten years old! time flies soo fast. My oldest is already 16. It feels like as if it was yesterday i held them as if they were babies, a blink and im off taking them to school another blink and they're off doing their own thing.. growing up too fast for me!

im looking forward to see what 2011 hold for me. I love the feeling of the old year being washed away and starting over new.

Proverbs 29:18: "Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he."

>>> Avoid placing blame on others for the adverse circumstances you are facing. Be humble and open to God's correction in your own life. (Know that your trouble isn't coming from Him, as the real enemy is the devil and we have been given victory over him.)

i read the above this morning and i keep on having to remind myself.....i keep promising myself things need to change, things have to get better, its a new day to start over only to repeat the same mistakes again. why the hell does this crap keep happening! i know its all me..sigh...

so last night...me and kid 1 got into a huge argument, we both stormed off..or rather i left and she texted me that she was leaving which brought on another round of argument and let me tell you its not good to argue when your pissed cuz the more you hurt, the more you want to hurt the other person so things flew as get your crap out, im done with you etc etc and things along those lines...she didnt come home last night, her stupid cousins got involved and picked her up and wouldnt bring her back home. anyway she came home this morning to grab her things and shes like i dont want to talk to you i dont want anything to do with you i dont want to be here im not coming back etc and i tried to apologize for the things i said last night but she doesnt care. so i told her stop being so self absorbed, shes not the only one with problems, i wish she would step out of her circle and realize the world doesnt revolve around her. oh well i guess she'll realize this one day when she gets older. but whatever right because at the age she is, she's always right and no one else is wrong... ugh im getting pissed again..... let me tell you , its tough being a parent to a teenager!

i've been delving in the Word lately and just pouring out my heart and soul to God, there is so much hurt and unforgiveness and ugliness...i went to the park this morning for just some quiet time and i wondered how the hell did i get here. when did i become such a bitch? i think its true ..someone once said hurt people, hurt people.

i let my temper get the best of me and the words that come out of my mouth and my actions. ugh i so don't like it. as soon as they fly out, moments later i wish i could take them back, but i can't because what's done is already done....

sitting there, pondering, i said to God, thanks for a new day that i can start afresh and anew and i pleaded with Him to soften my heart, to become a better person, to remove all the ugliness in me. I told myself that i was done with all the ugliness, that today i'll start again, biting my tongue, curbing my temper and just to love. i don't like the person i've turned into and the only one that can make the change into a better person is me and i'm going to do that right now. i want to remove all the bitterness and unforgiveness in my life. only God can deal with my hurts and issues. I've repented and asked him to heal my life, heal my relationships, heal my brokenness....and most of all heal my heart.

My heart is my responsibility…..

Hearing today’s message during service made me think about Atlantic Starr’s song , if your heart isn’t in it….
Today’s message talked about having a heart that pleases God and sometimes the things that we commit ourselves to, we don’t pull all of our heart in it and sometimes our heart needs to be corrected. This brings me to think about relationships and people and insecurities. I become cynical of people that attend church and then after service, they go back to their old ways of just being an ugly person. I wonder if they realize how ugly they’re being. I wish people would realize their insecurities instead of projecting, but I don’t think that’ll happen any time soon or at all for that matter….
Anyway, I started attending another church and stepped down from multi media since dec 2009. It’s definitely nice to have stepped back and get fed spiritually. The church i'm attending definitely fulfills that.


Stuff for me to remember:

50th state fair 2010
the ol’man
almost the last straw…….

Ok, done with whining but not ranting! Heh. I’ve come to terms with the health issues. I have to admit, it was rocky there for a bit. Just waiting on the divorce thing, I’m over that, I think this was best, you would think people would change but they still stay the same. I’m glad we’re going our separate ways, I’m just sad for our daughter who wants her family…
Now on to other things, really looking forward to the next few weeks, my oldest daughter will be here for summer. What fun awaits us I wonder!
In other news, I’ve finally realized everyone lives a façade. You ever meet someone and you go oh h/she is so nice and then you spend time with them and their true colors come out and that opinion totally changes.
Recently I was accused of having a “thing” with my brother in law since he was going to take me to my doctor’s office to pick up some paperwork but instead my niece took me and then I went over to my their house and he picked me up at the front gate. This was just way beyond stupid that I didn’t even want to explain the whole family dynamics. If you knew my family, you would know why my brother in law does most of the driving, but I just didn’t want to get into it. The people that matter know and would never think and I wouldn’t even go there! Ugh……
Just reflecting these past few months, its funny how things change in an instant because of perspective. Some people think they’re so right and everyone else is so wrong, you ever meet people like that? There’s no point in arguing so I just don’t say anything. As I get older, the more crap I put up with. I think I’m just to tired to deal with the drama, like really who the hell has time for all that crap. There are some days that I literally sometimes pray that I don’t wake up. That’s how bad I feel like it is sometimes, then I think I have my two little ones that make life worthwhile, no matter what I’m going through.
Every day is a battle and a challenge, I wonder why some people like to argue or just start the day with attitude, like really? You want to waste your energy on that crap? And when I don’t respond to it, I get accused of having an attitude and I am just like WTF???!!!

sometimes i wonder about my life, what's the reason for me still being here..is it because i'm so hard head? heh. but seriously.....

after i got out of the hospital, i was ok for about a week, then the symptoms came back again, the shortness of breath and when i would go to dialysis, my heart would be racing by the time i sat in the chair. i thought it was due to the walk and due to the difficulty of breathing i was having, but three hours later when all i've done was sit there and wait for dialysis treatment to be over, my heart is still beating between 120-130 bpm. I went to see a cardiologist and did an Ekg and and echo and both of them came out abnormal. im supposed to go for a stress test next week but i know thats gonna be abnormal too cuz i can't even breathe normally walking to my car in the parking lot! with all the doctors i'm seeing, im hearing words such as tachycardia, cardiac arrest, congestive heart failure etc.. which totally freaks me out. sometimes i just want to sit here and cry, im so frustrated with everything. i wonder if i'll make it to see my next birthday with so much health things going on. i'm scared and when i try to talk to certain people about it, im always brushed off as if it they think if its not talked about it won't happen. so i just keep quiet and let the thoughts go through my head. these are the times when i wish a friend who is across the miles who doesn't fear death is closer to me. i think she would understand where my thoughts were coming from.

i'm definitely scared this time around......

so i had a health scare again, i ended up in the hospital from the ending of march and stayed there for the next three weeks. it started off with pneumonia. i went to the docs, he gave me meds and after a week i still wasn't getting any better. i was having a hard time breathing and finally i went to the ER. The docs took a bunch of test and decided to admit me. I was scheduled for a thoracentesis - thats where they take a long needle and draw the fluid out from your lungs, but when i did that the fluid was too thick to pass the needle so that was out. I was then referred to a cardiothoracic surgeon and he was going to take a look at my lungs and see what he could do. well, when he opened me up, he ended up taking over a liter of fluid out from lungs and removing old scar tissue from my lungs when i had the same thing back in 2005. stayed in the hospital since i had chest tubes to drain the lungs still and then i ended up with unexplained fevers daily. they did blood cultures, but it always came out negative, so they just wanted to monitor me.

on a good note, i have the best friends and family ever. my friends came to stay with me and stave off the boredom of being in the hospital. we played scrabble sneaked me in some mcd's and eventually took me riding around in a wheelchair just so i could get some sun in. thats even more than what my husband did for me when i was back in the hospital back in 2005. such a difference in men! my brother and my sisters came to visit me too. no matter how much we fight or we don't seem to get along, anytime there's a crisis, we always pull through.

the only thing that i was disapointed in is that i told chris (yes, were still married) that i was in the hospital, not once did he offer to bring my daughter around to see me. no calls or anything. like i said such a difference in men!

it still cracks me up to see his "girlfriend" hold on to him, because she can't do any better and she had to see a married man yet she claims to "love jesus".. i crack up at how hypocritical they both are, but oh well. she's so at the bottom of the barrel that all i can do is look down at her and not even feel anything for her

oh last friday was my birthday, but waited until saturday to celebrate since i had dialysis in the evening. a good friend surprised me with a dinner at cafe sistina. a mutual friend of ours also has the same birthday so the three of us went. we had a nice dinner and we got beautiful leis. we ended up going to a karaoke bar after and hung out there. another couple surprised me with a lei and a present. it was so unexpected. that night was great, and my friend really went all out in making the night a special night for me. i went to sleep with a smile on my face :)

I'm pissed, sad, hurt and feeling all kinds of emotions these days. But at the end of it all, i know I'll be ok.
First started with the husband~ we've been having problems since june 2009 and he wavered between lets get a divorce to we should see a marriage counselor. but none of that happened, till now i still have no divorce papers or even a draft of one! yet he's telling everyone that i'm his ex wife and is seeing someone else. that someone else is a girl i know too. i feel sorry for her, that he was the only man she could get, like who does that see a married man??? knowing us both too! and the thing that tops it off is that they say they're both christians and on the worship team. really if that was the case i would certainly uphold them to a higher standard but i guess their values and moral compass are screwed. i'm sad because i wasted 10 years of my life standing by my husband and supporting him in every way possible, i'm hurt because no matter how hard i try to make him understand how i feel, he just doesn't get it. and i'm pissed because the girl that he's with is so damned disrespectful, showing her face around my daughter, having dinner after i told her to stay away from her since it was too early and she's already had to deal with her aunty passing away. and even after i told her, i find the three of them at bravos. she's lucky my daughter was there or i just don't know what i would have done. anyway i needed to vent about this isssue. there's no way i would go back to that relationship after seeing all the damage that was done. i'm just concentrating on school and being the best mom i can be for my kids. thats' my venting in a nutshell...

it has been a tumultuous time. some of it good, some of it bad, but all in all a good season despite
the events that have surrounded it.  i wish i could write about it in detail, but one part of that  season
has to remain private and just for the basic reason that i'm not ready to share.

life's journey has  certainly been interesting. the people that we meet along the way and the ones that we choose
to form connection with, the people that we allow into our lives. sometimes the smallest decision can change your life
forever.

anyhow , band has been gigging a lot this past few weeks. i love hearing, watching them play. i'm really looking forward
to the cd release. everyone is taking turns in the recording studio and laying down their parts. for the past weeks, its just been vocal parts.

on the kid end, my oldest kid flew back to Vegas about 2 weeks ago. she was here for her summer vacation and what  a time. i'll treasure this summer always,. good talks, good times and good memories. i created a memory book. every time i look at it , it always makes me smile...

love is ....fleeting and magical and sometimes it hurts..but in the end its all so worth it.....

 too much thoughts running in my head. stuck with brilliant flashes of genius then the not so genius moment of "i'll write about
it later" and well later never comes, and the moment of  wanting so be still and write passes.

nothing new on the transplant list end of things, though i did manage to get thirty minutes off of dialysis! yay me :D

home life is  still the same, nothing overly exciting  but that's how it is. no drama, and just the way I like it!
so band stuff..well the hubby's band , somehow i fell into the role of band manager or as  one of the guys call me "den mother."
cracks me up, but i lobve 

school is still going, striving towards the goal...the only obstacle is me since i love love love to procrastinate and do my papers at the 11th hour! egads! work is still enjoyable although the incessant babbling of my coworker over absolutely nothing drives me insane to the point where i would like to stab myself with a pen and feign some sort of medical emergency just so i can get out of the office!