| 2008-03-29 09:54 |
| processing my thoughts, ends with head exploding... |
| Public |
| 4 walls and a roof |
 stressed |
| dog barking |
I’ve been serving in Multi media ministry for several months now in our “new” church. This past Easter makes it a year that we’ve been attending. I’ve served in MM previously on our old church for about 2 ½ years. So serving in MM is something fun. I like being part of a team that helps in making a difference in. I haven’t decided if it is truly my passion. I do it because I know I can. And part of it provides a connection with my husband as he plays on the worship team. So we talk about what’s going on for Sunday, the songs, group etc. When we first started attending our new church, I was hesitant to serve. Heck, I was even resentful that we were even going to another church! This was the going to be 4th church we’ve gone to now. The last church we were at we were part of it for 3 years, despite all the things that come along when serving in ministry, that place was starting to feel like home and for a time it was our home church, our church family. They were there for us during a really tough time and after. I can’t describe the feeling of what it has been like for me while we were there, aside from it felt like everyone was aunty or uncle, cousins etc. And then this worship pastor comes and changes things around. And that’s me being nice about it. Things started to take a turn for the worse (doesn’t that always happen in ministry?) and it became a battle of who was right and who was wrong and people were starting to take sides. In the end, my husband stepped down and left because it stopped being about church and it started focusing on submission to whoever was in authority. I’m sorry but just because they have a title of worship pastor doesn’t necessarily make him a good person or a good leader! Fast forward to NOW and I guess I’ve been doing a passable job of MM, as I’ve been asked to assist our MM overseer. And I said sure no problem, what the hey and you know what? I’ve been enjoying it. Well here’s the kicker, that overseer? He wants to go into Missions and wants me to step up and serve in his capacity. And I’m like yeah ok; let me see how this goes first. But as the days dwindle down to when he’s actually not going to be in MM. I am freaking out. I felt like I was thrown into the whole thing. As if there was an agenda to get someone is so someone could move out so to speak. Not one week has gone by where we haven’t had some kind of glitch happening, or last minute adjustments or just something and damn it I hate working under pressure with people behind me because I either blank out or can’t type for beans, or can’t freaking recall which damn buttons to push! So this is what I have been pondering on: this is from an email sent to me and asked of me: 1) re-focus on God's calling; why did God put within you a desire to jump into MM? As far having the right people plugged in, I haven't met someone that would be better in this position than you. But it doent matter what I think, but what God says. Simply what is the vision? (My vision was to build a MM that was sustainable overtime and that was more indepedent of a single overseer having to be there every single week to transfer files) 2) Pray about a timeframe to serve. What would you be willing to commit to? For me, I was a part of the MM for two years at *** but as an overseer, I was definitely looking at 1 year to accomplish the vision. The things that God put on our hearts to do are worth fighting for and must be fought for. But the best feeling is when you look back and know that you did your part and you glorified God. ***my head has just now exploded****
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2008-02-14 13:44 |
| tagged! |
| Public |
 content |
| meme |
i was tagged 2 days ago and after much procrastination...i am finally here, posting :)
Book Meme Instructions:
Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
Open the book to page 123.
Find the fifth sentence.
Post the next three sentences.
Tag five people and post a comment here once you post it to your blog so I can come and see.
Here's my responses: The Samurai's Garden by: Gail Tsukiyama
Opening Hold on, I’m counting...
Here goes: Matsu shook his head. "I guess it will only become harder as we grow older." I thought of how difficult it must be, to be so far from help in case of any emergencies.
Now to tag 5 people.... umm gee i don't know how to use the link function......:P
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2008-01-18 20:11 |
| new beginnings |
| Public |
 amused |
| snoring dog |
It's already 2008! The days fly by and melt into a blur, wonderous to me is how i can keep my head above it all. For this week, my headaches and joys consist of chairing 2 events, asking to step up as co-overseer in multi media, night classes 2 x a week (exploring the medical field) and if i do well then next semester concurrently work on 2 majors, *gome* along with that i still volunteer at my little one's school and also help in her classroom.
My oldest sister and I have started to really "get" each other and we're starting to become friends. I'm really happy over that. That's been in the making for a while and i didn't think it was EVER going to happen!
(notes to me)
*PTG
*FUN FEST
*SA
*BUTTERFLY EXCURSION
:)
1 Comment | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2008-01-09 11:48 |
| dysfunction at its best! |
| Public |
| in my head |
 contemplative |
| laundry in the dryer |
| sisters |
*sigh* i wonder if we all will ever get to terms and be able to see and love each other for who really are.
my oldest sister disdains people that don't want to go college, seems to think they won't have a life.
my other sister is in her own world, in a myriad of complicated relationships; wife and mother vying for the top spots.
my mother lives with too many sorrows, many regrets and what ifs, which are then pawned off on her brood. ahh the guilt trips!
so far i've yet to gone on one since my teen age years.
i think it all boils down to control or to some the lack of it. Control your destinies, harness the winds, soar above etc but in the act of doing these things, do we see what is in front of us, the things that we can most easily grasp. a kiss, laughter from a child, ahug, eyes that look into you and trust you. i wish i could impart some of these impressions upon my mother, my sisters but they are too busy chasing the pot at the end of the rainbow.
don't get me wrong, each of them are successful in their own right, but sometimes i feel like they miss the big picture. i've finally lerned to just be complacent and nod my head. i've already found out earlier that we all think that we are right and whoever is the last to be heard is right! so it end up in a cacophony of noise and ends up in bitterness and disgust. i truly believe that each person has their own journey to take and no one person is right. its all a matter of choices.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2008-01-07 10:04 |
| Just breathe! |
| Public |
| busy |
| african grey chatter |
| family |
It has been a mad rush since December. Seeing old friends and reconnecting with them. By far, my biggest accomplishment of all was finally letting go of the past with my oldest sister. We are now on talking terms and it seems as we are both really truly trying to remain friends. it's funny, my husband told me if my faith was so strong as i perceived it to be then why do i act "unchristianlike" meaning that i had a hard time forgiving my sister and mending fences with her, i swore her out of my life at one point even. but time heals and time makes the years go by and time makes you wiser i believe. the part that got me though? that i actually missed her. i missed having an older sister.. granted that it was not at all rosy between us, but family is family and when it counted she was there, i still can remember that. (wow that brought back some warm fuzzy feelings!)
anyhow, after christmas, was our 4th anniversary, we decided to spend it in Hilo. I love the feel of "old Hawaii"
It's still wild and seemingly untouched. Guava, oranges, lychee mountain apples and bamboo trees still growing freely and in abundance. People really stop to tell you hello or just chat about life in general and they really are friendly! I suppose it helps that we have family lving out there.
People still go over to the neighbor's/friend's housed to help plant, build a deck, move for nothing! Jellies and jams are still canned or jarred, lots of homemade things. To me I think that is what stands out the most, community involvement. that characterizes a lot for the people and the town i think.
New Year's Eve was nice, quiet for a bit . I was the tending to the BBQ while people were milling about . C was with his dad at the men's mininstry prayer thing. The kids were inside and i was hanging out on the deck bbq-ing while the dogs were at my feet.
New Year's Eve came and went, with an cacophony of explosions. I think they were still popping firecrackers until 2 am, then still had some left over to pop when the kids woke up and could pop the rest up til 1 pm.
Did the family thing, just hang out, chatted sipped on coffee and the usual things until Wednesday morning! We finally headed out to Mauna Kea. It was picture perfect! Beautiful, Scening and Bitingly Cold! Played in the snow for a bit. We all got giggly and silly and what not . Finally headed on down and to Ken's Pancake House. The food was ok but the service was great! back on Oahu on Thursday morning, sort of unpacked, reunited with our animals and went down for a nap.
Friday was my youngest ones birthday. She turned 7. We had pizza and ice cream for dinner since that was what she wanted and it was just a small gathering. The following day my in laws took all 3 of us to watch The Water Horse and dinner at Highway Inn. went back to their house, mom and c took a nap, dad did the NY times puzzle and i played Memory with my daughter. She beat me 5 times. I refused to play her after that :P also especially since she said I DEFEATED YOU! *blah*
Sunday was our church service. C had to play and i had to man MM. I was asked to step up in assisting the overseer for MM. Interseting. I keep wondering whats in store for us.
My pledge for the New Year? To be a better wife, mother, friend, to really listen, to speak in kindness, and to be a better role model for my kids to be able to look up to. I pray that my family will always be close and stronger and that we can weather whatever storms life may bring to us. For my oldest daughter to come home, to have her faith be strengthened and renewed.
oh and that i do better than well in college this time around ;)
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-12-24 04:27 |
| as things come to an end... |
| Public |
wow, this has been definitely a busy season! with being a parent partner for my little one, halau, church and finally
getting involved in the multi-media ministry. i can now just be. its been crazy doing things for others, that sometimes
my family time gets affected. volunteering to do this or that, and my my poor hubby just puts up with it all and says nothing!
this past saturday i was up at 4 am, out and about by 5 am helping aunty lynn deliver "slippahs" to the homeless children on
the waianae coast and at the shelter. it was so heart breaking, to see the tents out there, some of them decorated with christmas ornaments, and little babies being walking about. its no way for people to live, yet some do. *sigh*
and in the midst of all this "busy-ness" my mom and i had a tiff! we were talking about my oldest sister and my relationship. beingthe youngest, she treats me as i don't know anything a if i don't have a voice, which i vented out to my mom and my mom went off on a tangent! she was like your sister should be like a second mom to you, i want her to be that way and i'm like look we're not going to see her in that role because in the first place she never acted like a big sister! she was too busy with here life, we share no closeness. and i don't hold it against her, its just the way it is. then it came to expectations, where my mom was saying my sister and her expected so much out of me academically and just life in general since mom paid for a private school education for me. and i was like hmm, it's wrong to expect anything from anyone, you'd probably be dissapointed! then mom went on to say that she wasted her money on me because i didn't finish college, so of course i flung back what the hell woould she care? she didn't think i'd graduate my senior year and didn't bother to come to my HS graduation! (i was moved out and living with my boyfriend -1st husband my junior year- we payed tuition for my senior year & i did go to college! just my associates degree and my life went on) so being that i said that, she being in denial said i don't want to talk about it anymore and hung on me. *sigh* so there goes another drama~
i don't know why they can't see that im perfectly content to be where im at. i have a family that loves me despite my faults, and somehow friends that still love me despite my issues! we have our home, our zoo etc. if i died tomorrow, i would have no regrets.
as i've gone over our phone conversations, i would have liked to yell at her, if you wasted so much money on me, then you should have left me to die when i was in the hospital! *ugh* funny how she still makes me react even from 3000 miles away! oh well, im'm debating if i should call her and wish her a merry christma tomorrow.
1 Comment | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-12-03 06:37 |
| Unplugged |
| Public |
| awake |
| birds chirping |
Been staying away a but from my frequent net haunts. haven't twittered or even looked at the HT trivia question, posted i think 2 comments on another board. Just kind of wanted to just be for a little while. Last Thursday was my Small Group Ohana. I just realized that I do enjoy going (even though I dillly dally to get there!) I enjoy their wisdom, their stories of life but most of all their perspective and what strengthens their walk in their faith.
Friday was the usual routine, hang out in the a.m. with the morning crew, help with the 1st grade class then finally they long awaited hearing test for my youngest. she's had ear tubes inserted twice since 2 years old. wa worried about scarred tissue and hearing etc. but she passed it with flying colors!
Saturday was such a long, long, long but worthwhile day! Daughter's halau from 9, fitting and practice then it was off to Windward Mall to do Lokahi project then in the late afternoon, it was a friends ho'ike, so we helped with that and we were finally home by 9:30 ish, just in time to watch a few minutes of the UH game! egads! talk about the edge of your seat! A
Anyhow, as I've gone about our daily activites, i haven't had the inclination to jump on the puter, probably because i've been thinking bout things from the past, how it affects my present. For instance, we went back to visit our old church last week Sunday, and of course we ran into Pastor M (worship pastor). I said my piece about him in an earlier rant :P. As we were driving over the H3 my hubby and I got to talking and i realized that i was angry and i was mad at heck at that guy! I blamed him for us leaving that church and if orget what else i ranted about! LOL but i've realized i shouldn't have put my expectations up just because he hold the title of Pastor, cuz' underneath it all, he is still human, prone to weaknesses and failure and mistakes. So when service was over, i was able to say hello, give him a hug and move on
This week, I'm chewing on my small group ohana. I visited another group. and let me tell you i felt soooo old. The kids on the Wed. group were mostly young collegiate, in their late 20's. and when they shared i felt *flashbacks* me in a former life,which wasn't so long ago. but i was able to laugh at their stories only because i could relate. crashing cars, tantrums, always havng to get your away, always being right, and the classic "you have to forgive me because i SAID i was sorry!" oh my, that makes me grin, how young and idealistic were my views back then. i will admit i was a rotten kid, at times i was even toxic and maybe to this day,i still have remnants of that old me show up O.O. but with God's grace,I'm still learning and i am far from being what i even want to become. with that said, i may have to choose between wed and thurs small group. wed, because i have something to share with the younger generation, i've lived it and came out through it okay. and i want thurs because its the small group that i started with. and if i move to wed, i don't even know if i'm ready to branch out, if these "kids" will even care about what i want to share etc. so any of you that read, drop me a line, i'd like to know your thoughts on this.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-11-26 03:13 |
| wounded in heart |
| Public |
 crushed |
i was hurt to the core by a person who i thought was a "safe" person. proving once again, that its sometimes better to not let people get THAT close to you.
on Sunday afternoon, i attended a Total Transformation class. at the end of the final session, Pastor Rob prayed and prophesied over some of us. I was quite interested in the things that said and therefore ensued in a discussion with another party after. I thought or still think that i have the gift of "knowing people" you know when you meet someone and instantly in the gut you can "feel" that person's negative vibe or whatever? sometimes i can sense that or sense if people are being phony or sometimes i just have impressions. and i've shared this with one other person only just to bounce if he felt the same thing too or just so i can voice it out loud to see if im correct. little did i know that as i've shared this thing with this person, that he was judging me. i was being too negative,i get mad too easily etc. my walk is a christian is not strong enough because i cannot apply His teachings in my life in dealing with people. hmmm. is being real, sometimes raw and honest being a bad thing? i'm only stating my impressions i get of people that have crossed into my path, whether they be bad or good. and sometimes i share it because i don't want my family "infected." So after he gave me his feedback, i felt so hurt. I felt something in my heart change. i don't know yet where this leads, but in service today, the sermon was about casting out our stones. because the stones we carry from our past and now burdens our soul. and if we can cast them out with God's grace, then we can be free and our souls will be lighter. For the moment, the wounds are cut to deep and i have a stone lodged in there, a stone of unforgiveness. the sad part is that as i told the other person how i felt, it doesn't dawn on him how deeply he hurt me. and that wound just keep on getting in deeper.
1 Comment | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-11-18 07:16 |
| here we go again! |
| Public |
 blah |
| my noisy parrots |
for the past few weeks, i've been feeling so zonked, just so tired and falling asleep on the couch. i remember telling my 6 year old to finish alphabetizing 10 spelling words and she woke me up at #7, since there were 2 words that started with the same later. i've been noticing that i can't finish my tv shows either since i fall asleep halfway through it! finally went to the dr's last week and ran some lab work. results are in, and i'm anemic again. *sigh* what this means to me is my body isn't producing enoigh red blood cells and taking iron pills does not help. so im worried something is wrong with my kidneys again.
see below: Anemias caused by underlying diseases Some diseases can hurt the body's ability to make red blood cells. For example, anemia is common in people with kidney disease. Their kidneys can't make enough of the hormones that signal the body to make red blood cells. Plus, iron is lost in dialysis (what some people with kidney disease must have to remove waste from the blood). taken from http://www.4women.gov/faq/anemia.htm
so im just thinking crap! blah! and some other so not choice things. i'm allowing myself to be freekin miserable and rotten for a few days :P in the meantime i still believe in the power of prayer, so well you know what i'll be fervently praying for!
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-11-12 18:32 |
| a dull day :P |
| Public |
 annoyed |
today started off with my daughter asking me if i was awake.... while i was still sleeping! ergh. i finally got up, made a few phone calls and got ready for the day. breakfast and a day at the dentist! my 6 year old did amazingly well. the dentist had to take out 2 of her bottom teeth since her permanent were growing in the back of her baby teeth. i saw the numbing gel and needle and decided i was better off not looking, wimp that i am. my little one sat there, listened to what the dentist was going to do and 15 minutes later, we were done! so of course she had to go show tutu and papa, the neighbors, our dog, the cats - well you get the idea.. wonder what the tooth fairy rates are at now?
then it was a zippy's lunch, back to the house and catch up on homework that wasn't done during the trip, not so bad, 3-4 things not done and reading responses not answered in complete sentences.
checked on line to try and book a flight for my oldest kid, but holy cow 1200 for a RT?? sheesh, ()&&)&$!$!! airlines!!
fought with the hubby. apparently we have different teaching/homework styles and i don't like the way he helps with homework. i expect a lot from my kids as to where he has the mentality of "she's only 6" *sigh*
i think im just grouchy of being cooped in. he's been doing his thing and everytime i want to do something, he's tired. makes me want to scream and kick something, which i think i will do soon. ok i'm being such a cranky ass. :P
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-11-08 12:13 |
| teaching and kids |
| Public |
| contemplative |
i was a bit frustrated yesterday with the kids at school or more likely the children's parents. i get frustrated at the parent lack of interest in their child's education, but maybe because i'm not a "real" teacher.
my youngest daughter is in first grade and when she first started 1st grade, i was amazed at the amount of homework they did. they usually get 8 things to do and a lot of it build on the previous day's classwork. anyhow, they are learning to graph and do statistics , intro to geometry,along with the usual readig/character responses, spelling etc. as i've currently sworn off employment in favor of family ( thank God our finances allow for that) i've started assisting her class. it blows me away that there are kids that have a hard time reading due to lack of parental involvement. i've had kids come up to me and said oh mrs. **** i had to test myself because my parents have too many jobs to do, or my mom/dad didn't have time, or i studied by myself because my mom was too busy. hearing this gets me sooo mad! *sigh* so my assistance in the classroom is helping those children catch up with the rest of the group.
there is this one girl though that the teacher and i have discussed . she memorizes when she reads, she guesses or she waits for someone to help her. she has been assesed for SpED assistance, but a followup is still needed, but they haven't got back to her yet.
the teacher says that with that girl, her whole family ( 3 kids in the same school, diff grade levels) has scored low in everything, so she thinks the mom acknowledges that they just aren't smart enough and so just leaves it at that. i wish i could do something, i don't know how to connect or to help her or make her want to learn. its very disheartening.
so i look at my 2 girls, and think heck if i've taught them, why can't i teach this girl. my oldest was very easy, she just had that natural ability to learn. to this day she is still gets on honor roll even if she doesn't study ( now i know what my parents meant they use to tell me if only you could apply yoursel LOL). my younger one loves to learn but at her own pace, she will eventually get it and then she wants to draw or create something else. she's my more creative one. so in school i was afraid she would be one of the kids that were behind but i got a big surprise.
there are a group of kids, the smart kids, the kids behind the smart kids, the average first graders, then the "slow" and ESL kids. i thought my kid was in the average group but as it turns out she's in the group right behind the smart kids. so that was a happy moment for me. i talked to my oldest daughter and i was like hey did i teach you well? and her answer MOM you weren't exactly patient...*sheesh* but she said i pushed her harder and because of that she wanted to learn more. so that was a good feeling.
i know being patient isn't one of my strong points but i spend at least up to 2 hours with my children doing homework.reviews etc and i did that when i was employed full time. work, come home, get dinner started and we would do homework with the kids in the living room. my mom did the same thing with me. so i don't or can't understand it when parents don't make the time for their kids or what i feel like they have no vested interest in their children's education at all. it shows when homework isn''t done or things that have to be reviewed, the kid has a totally blank look on their face. and i just *sigh* because its not the kids fault they haven't learned to connect the dots if someone hasn't shown them how to. some people tend to blame the public school system, i blame the parents.
7 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-11-01 14:44 |
| (no subject) |
| Public |
 touched |
while cleaning out my mail folders, i stumbled across this piece. apparently it was a radio contest entitled Superchicks.
this is my husbands entry:
When it comes to SuperChicks, my wife Melody is number one in my book. Her life is a constant battle with Systemic Lupus. At one point, it almost beat her.
One particular day, she was admitted into the hospital due to shortness of breath. It turned out she had pneumonia. During her hospital stay, she contracted Tuberculosis. Tubes were inserted into her chest and heart cavities, to drain the fluid build up. The shock to her system, added with all the medications she was taking, caused her kidneys to completely fail. Further complications caused her to go into a coma for several days. I was living in complete fear that my wife, and mother of our 6 year old daughter, was going to be called home by our father. Hearing our daughter ask "Is mommy going to die?" was heartbreaking.
Prayer chains were started with local churches, friends, and online message boards. Finally, by the grace of God, her health began to improve. After 4 months, she was well enough to come home, but she still had failed kidneys. I had to take my wife to the dialysis center every other day, for 4 hour treatments.
Then another miracle happened. Her kidneys started working. The power of prayer is amazing !! As of today, they went from 2% to 18% so now she no longer needs to be on the dialysis machines !!
So yes, she's my SuperChick. It was impossible to tell this story in 100 words, so I thought you guys might love to hear a praise report of God's mercy and grace at work here in Hawaii.
Much Aloha to the Air1 Staff, and thanks for coming to Hawaii !
C**** L***
(808) *** ****
2 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-10-30 19:18 |
| where the heck did october go? |
| Public |
 sick |
i'm still sick, coughing more than anything, and sometimes fevers and chills but for the most part i'm ok, meaning i'm still out there doing my daily routine, one consisting of helping my daughter's teacher, doing copies, word assesments, and other general stuff. this whole month has been a blur. 2x a week soccer practice, halau then game on saturday, on top of that is planning a pumpking carving event with PTG, doctor and dentist appointments and i forget what else.
well it was the end of the season this past saturday and thank goodness, that is one less thing for me to do. i feel like i can finally just breathe! i finally get a break! my in laws are taking their one and only grandchild on a California trip! 10 whole days of nothing! i'll probably be bored like mad and i'll miss the hell out of my little one but at the same time i'm looking forward to some down time. my little one now wants to take up golfing since soccer season is over. :P we'll see how that goes.
life has its moments. lately i've noticed as i get to know some people there are some qualities i really would like to just erase of them. judgemental i know. *sigh* but EVERY time i see this person, she's complaining about a certain someone. this has been going on for the past 2 years now! my husband and i went to dinner and all he said was is she still grumbling about the same lady? *O.O *eeps* i've tried to tell her to let it go or get over it, but somehow it doesn't reach her ears/mind. then a "friend" that used to call me and tell me about her woes and trials and what not everyday
now doesn't call after we've loaned her money. definitely will learn from that one. going to a transformations class on Sunday, talking about being baptized by the Holy Spirit... we'll see how that one goes. I'm still skeptical over that one, but at least i'm willing to learn about it or curious enough to see what that's about.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-10-23 07:42 |
| trying to get over it..... |
| Public |
| contemplative |
i received an email the other day regarding forgiveness. everytime i feel like i have forgiven someone or something, i realize
i truly haven't forgiven. its a big issue for me because i feel like if i can't get over what happened, then that person still has a stronghold over me, and i really need to let it go. by far my biggest issue so far is my oldest sister. we almost haven't spoken since 2005. she and i disagree on many things and i feel like whatever she says holds no value to me. do i resent her? sometimes, maybe. i don't know. all i know is as we were growing up, i never felt a bond with her. she was off doing her own thing, i guess because at that time she was so much older. we are about 8-9 years apart. then when i got diagnosed with systemic lupus, that was when she decided to pull the big sister act and then started blaming me for my past that all the abuse and bad things i did to myself was a result of me being ill. then she started harping on marriage and children. that one annoyed me the most, because here she was giving me advice when she was neither married or was a parent! every year my new year's resolution was to be nicer to her, and every year several months later i would fail! she only called me when she needed something, too busy to just hang out and always with a condescending attitude ( that was her being a big sister- always better) anyway, while i was in the hospital, she started telling me about my husband, and asking me why he wasn' there and that i was better off without him (mind you, he had to work to pay our mortgage, take care of our 4 year old daughter, a 2 year old dog etc -by himself) and i got pissed which resulted in a yelling match and her vowing never to visit me again. so i said ok good riddance to you.
my mother on the other hand (who is in Seattle) heard about the fight and then told me I need to understand her, I need to be able to just let it go because i was the youngest and she was just trying to be a "sister" so i told my mom, i don't need a "sister" like that, as far as i'm concerned, she is dead to me. But things happen such as my oldest daughter came to Hawaii for a vacation and my sister wanted to see her so i let my daughter go. She ended up telling my 12 year old about our argument and my daughter was like what the hell was she talking about. and i was pissed again because here she goes putting my kid in the middle. *sigh* you bet i chewed her ass out for that one. then several months later i hear she's getting married, and she sends me an email invitation. i was at that point willing to set aside our differences and move on. my daughter and i attended her wedding and wished them both well. i talked to her a few weeks ago, i needed a cousin's phone number and i asked her how did family life feel, and she says its not easy as i thought it was. the strangest part of this whole thing, now that she has a new life, she forgets her old life. meaning she no longer stays in contact with any of her siblings, doesn't make time for her nieces or nephews and barely stays in touch with our mom. the only thing i can say is i wish she was up to my expectations of being a sister to me. i have another sister and a brother and i love them both dearly. we can confide in one another, joke with each other but as for the oldest, she'll always be the outsider.
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-10-21 01:20 |
| flu anyone? |
| Public |
 worried |
Since last week, i've been feeling pretty crappy. This past Friday, I lost my voice! *ugh* but in the "betweenness" of it all, I still had to do mom stuff, take my lil one to school, homework reviews and what not. Yesterday by far was the busiest as we had to go to halau practice, the bank to get a POA notarized, soccer game and of course our turn to do "snacks." Snacks were grilled steak, shoyu ahi poke, tossed salad, fruit bowl and cocoa puffs. Our girls did amazingly well! It was so awesome to see the plays the coach has been working on to see it finally play out! We have had an amazing season.
Later on in the evening, there was a halloween even that my MIL wanted to take my daughter to, so we got her all dressed up with here costume and when she came home, all she was saying wa it's not about winning, but having fun" after a few questions, she said Tutu and Papa won the contest but they didn't pick me :(. I told her its okay, we'll always pick you because you are the bestest and got her giggling again.
Well, here I am at about 1:15 a.m. My little one woke me up as I heard the sounds of her retching. I woke her up and told her to go to the bathroom and she ended up throwing up a lot of fooddie stuff which got in her hair & clothes. So off to the tub she went and as I was showering her, she's telling me its so cold. (and i had the water on a little bit hotter than normal) I knew then, she was starting to run a fever. Off she went in her pj's and gave her a dose of med, called her dr, and now i sit here doing laundry as i type. I absoulety hate watching or even knowing when my girls are sick. *blah* My littlest one is now in bed curled up with Daddy , both snoring away.*sigh*
Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-10-16 12:44 |
| whiny |
| Public |
 crappy |
I have the flu *sniffles* im whiny and freeking irritable and impatient, therefore i am going back to bed before
someone wants to shoot me!
1 Comment | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-10-13 16:29 |
| a day of discoveries! |
| Public |
 chipper |
my husband and I have been together for about 7 years. I think we both know each other pretty well. hah! we were going
to my daughter's soccer game and i was flossing my teeth, and so i turned to him and said hon, how come you don't kiss me passionately? and he's looking at me like where the hell am i going with this! LOL. and i said no i meant like you know when you
were younger didn't you just want to make out, swap spit, kissy face with the person you're with? he says yeah but i didn't think you were the kissing type. i ask him what in the world would make him think that? and he says because i'm not an affectionate person. i don't give affection, i'm too harsh.
i'm like what do you mean? i hug and kiss the kids all the time! and he said with the kids, but i'm not very affectionate towards him. he says i'm good for like 10 minutes and them i'm off in my world. meaning i'll hold his hand, give him a hug, reach over and kiss him then im off to do whatever im off to do. sheesh! he said he didn't mind.he accepts that as just thats the way i am. strange man.
oh and today at my daughter's soccer game, i yelled my head off!!! it was such a good game! score was 4 -4. on the other team, was this girl that basically carried the team in goals and she had the attitude that she knew she was a better player than most. my daughter on the other hand is just getting into soccer, building her aggresiveness and her strategies, but i always remember her as the kid that just stood in the middle of the field and let the game go on around her. that was her very first game. several games later, she has scored goals, made some assists and TODAY she stuffed that girl!! GO BABY!! that girl was trying to get around her and get past my daughter so she could kick to the goal, but my little one stood there and fought back and took the ball away from her! proud moment let me tell you! im off to nap! busy day today.. was out last nite (ulua fishing) packed up by 4 am, had to be at halau practice at 9, soccer game at 1, potluck after and now here i am or rather was! and im off to dreamland!
1 Comment | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-10-11 07:46 |
| part II |
| Public |
| amused |
took me long enough to come back here :P anyway, i've come to the conclusion that there things that bind or will bind a friendship with me. the first is getting my past my wall, and sometimes damn it its just me. i don't respond to emails as quickly as i should, i return phone calls weeks later. blah, i suck in that aspect...i mean totally. But if ever you need anything, help, someone to hang out with i'm there for you. i just cannot talk on the phone for hours. my conversations usually go like this: what ? where? now? ok..see you. there a total of less than 2 minutes :P another thing is, people sometimes just make me tired. not in a bad way, but i feel like i have a need to recover. It's always interesting to meet new people but at the end of it all, i find refuge in the quietness of home.
i do wonder though with this attitude, does this offend people? or do they just roll their eyeballs and go oh that's just her. i wonder if my friends around me accept my quirks. ok enough of that.
the reason i am posting today? well i am sitting here waiting for my husband to give me my car keys which i left in the truck. :P damn my forgetfulness! i was about on my way to go to my daughter's school to drop her off and also volunteer some time in her classroom today then i realized no keys! i must have delayed getting another key set done. (another bad habit).
oh must confess, we had a pesudo scrimmage with our girls soccer team yesterday afternoon. parents vs kids. let me tell you that kicked my ass! a 7 year old actually stole the ball from me!! EGADS!! I missed 2 goals!! AND i can't run! LOL. old age is definitely creeping up on me. let me tell you that was a humbling moment! off for the day, keys are here and i must go do mom things.
1 Comment | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-10-08 05:40 |
| investing in relationships |
| Public |
| contemplative |
as i get older and i look back, i always see a handful of people that i could count on or rather i've let into my life.
its weird, back in high school, i'd always hang out with the crowd, but then again in a graduating class of 80, its not that hard to be popular :P! in my junior year, my mommy sent me far far away before she could kill me! LOL! gosh i was a rotten kid. anyhow, my sister lived on Guam due to being in the military and was stationed there and for the time being, she was to be my guardian. i lived there for over a year and it was so surreal, people wanted to be my friend, not because they wanted to get to know me but just because i was from Hawaii! can you imagine? i think within that year, i finally grew up a little, was able to stop being such an asshole of a kid and really tried to shape up. living in Guam had its up and downs, i was finally able to see past myself and my selfishness, i hung out with the seniors which was funny because they all thought i was a senior which i wasn't, ..oh sheesh lost in the moment reminiscing.... anyway i came back home and i felt like i "grew up" but everyone else stayed the same...the girls at school were fighting over which car was nicer because the rims they bought were expensive, the guy i thought i was in love with still wanted to go smoke weed and he was in his 30's already! i decided then i would just concentrate on school, so i took extra classes so i could finish earlier and then helped manage our basketball team.
then as i graduated, i started thinking about the people around me, in my life. i had 3 friends that i could be open and honest with. one was with me from my freshman year through senior year, she joined the air guard and we lost touch. the other was from my freshman year through senior and off and on until now. after 10 years of losing touch with each other due to moves, i finally found her! then the last one is from 96 til now, and to think about it, these are people that invested their time in me, if it weren't for them reaching out, i would have never got to know them or them know me.
i'm a guarded person, i am the one that mostly kick backs and observes the world revolve. i remember being a super shy kid, i would just hang out in the library and get lost in the books during recess. i wouldn't talk unless someone talked to me first. and i think as an adult some of this still goes on. i was just thinking this reading a friend's entry in how much we desire to know people and their interests. i met some great people along the way in this lifetime but i don't know what it is with me. its like i have this wall or something and i can't let people get too close. it feels akward at times. and sometimes, during my earlier bouts of illness, i just didn't want to have to explain what i was gong through. part of my insecurity i suppose. hmm interesting,,, off to ponder.
2 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
| 2007-10-05 13:10 |
| random things |
| Public |
| hopeful |
Yesterday, i was distracted by a message board with a poster that was campaigning for the right to "banish the breed" i don't know what trauma he went through with this type (pitbull) of dog, but clearly it has affected him deeply. well as i tried in vain to explain don't blame the dog, blame the irresponsible owner, he's just not having any of it. i'm just saddened at the fact that whatever trauma the he went through caused him to "hate" on this particular breed so much. i'm not advocating that anyone should purchase or have a pitbull for a pet or even in your home, but if a person decides to do, i would hope that person does the proper training required, skills etc to be able to handle such a dog! ok im done with that! it was a busy, but good day yesterday, was able to help our church office with some clerical duties, then off to a lunch and a class, back to the office for data entry stuff and finally home. 3 hours later im off to a small group meeting. and then finally bedtime. today on the other hand, i am giddy!! why you ask?? well here's a little background - i was diagnosed with systemic lupus in 97. was on high doses of prednisone, some other meds i can't even remember, was sick a lot but you know life goes on....the final shock of my life was back in 2005. lupus was at an extreme flare, my kidneys were slowly failing, then in 05/2005 i ended up in the hospital fluid in my lungs, in my heart, needed to get blood transfusions, pneumonia, contracting TB while in hospital, being in a coma for several days (not medically induced) being put on dialysis, being diagnosed with End Stage Renal Disease afer the biopsy results came back. i was at the time literally fighting for my life. there were a team of doctors helping me to do just that. if it wasn't for my children and how young they were, i probably would have given up. just because i was so damn tired of fighting, of having to take meds, of having to go doc appts, of just being sick. but anyhow, here i am. i was supposed to be on dialysis for the rest of my life or unless i get a kidney transplant... well, i didnt want to do either. i stopped going to dialysis, i told my dr. of course. i stopped as of 11/2006. i had a drs appt today and he told me my last labs came back and the results were hopeful. i have gone from a kidney function of 4% up to 18%. going up is a step in the right direction! and i truly truly believe in the power of prayer. THANK GOD!! im just so damned giddy at the fact that i've stumped the medical side of it.
2 Comments | Post A Comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Link
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}