Date: 2009-06-07 07:30 Subject: mindless drivel... Security: Public Location: GBC Leeward Mood: amused Music: Lincoln Brewster Tags: randon

 too much thoughts running in my head. stuck with brilliant flashes of genius then the not so genius moment of "i'll write about
it later" and well later never comes, and the moment of  wanting so be still and write passes.

nothing new on the transplant list end of things, though i did manage to get thirty minutes off of dialysis! yay me :D

home life is  still the same, nothing overly exciting  but that's how it is. no drama, and just the way I like it!
so band stuff..well the hubby's band , somehow i fell into the role of band manager or as  one of the guys call me "den mother."
cracks me up, but i lobve 

school is still going, striving towards the goal...the only obstacle is me since i love love love to procrastinate and do my papers at the 11th hour! egads! work is still enjoyable although the incessant babbling of my coworker over absolutely nothing drives me insane to the point where i would like to stab myself with a pen and feign some sort of medical emergency just so i can get out of the office!

Date: 2009-04-04 06:54 Subject: running on empty Security: Public Location: here Mood: blah Music: washing machine Tags: dialysis

So as of yesterday I put myself on a coffee fast.  so not fun.
I thought i was imbibing in too much coffee since my sleep patterns
were just shot. One week all I want to do is sleep, the following week
I keep tossing and turning and by the time i fall asleep, it's time to wake up
bah!
 
crashed out early last nite. amazed i even made it to the dialysis center in one piece
as i kept wanting to shut my eyes for seconds at a time while driving to get there.

well my allergy issues have been resolved. i kept breaking out in
hives during the last hour of my treatment. last night the nurse
switched out the dialyzer and that seemed to work.  shucks! i said
i was hoping i was just allergic to the last hour of dialysis  and then if  i
was i would get that hour taken off!  hahah  wish the hour take off would happen tho.

so im finally on the transplant list.  erggh... don't really know how to feel about that
i keep hoping one day, my kidneys will be fine by some miraculous event since i really
dont look forward to a hospital stay!

but it would defintely ease up my schedule.   m w f -3 1/2 dialysis treatments, tues nites i have class from 6-10
sundays is running multi media and so that doesnt really give me enough time to just veg out. boo to that.

Date: 2009-03-08 07:58 Subject: wrapping up Security: Public Location: here Mood: calm Music: hum of washing machine Tags: stuff

the flooring is here, the flat screen is here. family court stuff with the x is done.

He refuses to let my oldest daughter come during her scheduled summer and
Christmas visits or if she does come, i get shortchanged on the time. a 3 mos summer
break ends up a 10 day stay with mom.  so i of course get annoyed and file
for visitation enforcement. after 3 months of back and forth, i finally got what i wanted.
the sad thing is, my daughter turns 18  in  3 years!  oh well. enough of that, i'm over it.

the floors are partially installed. i thought it would take a whole day to complete but
the hubby said it would take 3 days. I'm thinking its going to be longer just because of
our schedules.

i spent most of the day with my oldest sister. hung out at her house and chit chatted with her
hubby. then we drove over to Longhi's for lunch.  shopping and girl stuff. boy,i should have worn
my other shoes! that girl can shop!

oh, the t.v. its a t.v. 47" flat screen that the hubby has been wanting to get for awhile so i got tired of looking/hearing
the pout (haha) and said ok.  i can spend on food but i hate spending on stuff!  so it sits in the
lving room and well i dunno its a t.v. haven't sat down to watch it or appreciate yet.

i feel like my life which i felt like were in pieces are slowly being wrapped up and being put into its place
then i'm off to the next piece. i have so many words to say but not enough time to sit still.

Date: 2009-01-02 10:14 Subject: winding down... Security: Public Location: the circus Mood: working Music: sonicflood

            Serving in ministry and dealing with people in the pastoral staff has been quite the eye opener. Egos get easily offended when you do not submit to their authority of leadership. Somewhere along the way, church stopped becoming “church” and instead of being faith driven, it became man driven. Church has become stagnant for some like a cesspool, collecting human weakness, hypocrisy and questionable ethics, cloaked in “amens” and rousing sermons. You have pastors acting as coaches expecting hustle from ministry members while they watch with a critical eye. Issues are perceived as black and white, and truth is as true as they see it. People in leadership have issues and when questions come up they word things in such a way that makes the other person feel as if they are the one that’s doing wrong. Pastoral staff and Ministry leaders get so focused on themselves and in the end, cutting people off or turning people off. Unless a person is not saved, or is in a mess, not one of the pastoral staff really takes time to get to know what is really going on. I finally learned that it doesn’t matter what “house” people are serving in., people still have the option to think for themselves and not be a puppet to church’s teachings or doctrines. People should feel secure enough in their faith that they do not ever have to question it.

 I have expressed some of the angst I feel about the church and my dissension with the church. Some people get so complacent and not question anything about the church. Some follow blindly along, bleating to their own eternal damnation. I wish people would really get out and start questioning instead of becoming a blind follower.

Date: 2008-11-27 08:03 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public Mood: thankful Music: african grey chatter

Nov 27, 2008

 Despite of it all, I’m still thankful to be here.

 That’s been the mantra for several years and in the recent months. I’ve been able to see things from a different perspective.

First is serving in ministry and dealing with people in ministry or staff. I finally figured out that I should stop beating my head against the wall! *LOL* I had so many expectations and things of how I viewed ministry to be and at the end of it all I really had no voice. Somewhere along the way, church stopped becoming “church” and instead of being faith driven, it became emotion driven. So many people in leadership have issues and then when questions come up they make the other person feel as if they are the one that’s doing wrong.  They get so focused on themselves and in the end, cutting people off or turning people off.  So many are so phony, they want to pray with you, they want to know how you’re doing etc but then when its time for you to reach out they’re too busy. Stupid isn’t it?  I always feel a sense of sarcasm when I hear “we want to be ohana.” This is said every Sunday but it’s just words, I don’t really think they act upon it. And as I get to know more people within that church, I realize I’m not the only one that feels that way.  Unless you are not saved, or are in a mess, not one of the pastoral staff really takes time to get to know what is really going on. I finally learned that it doesn’t matter what “house” I’m serving in. I don’t have to be a puppet to the church’s teachings or doctrines. I’m secure enough in my faith and in my walk with God that I don’t ever have to question it

 Second is dealing with medical issues. I ended up in the ER last week. My RBC count was at 6 and in the midst of taking my labs I found out I had hypocalcaemia. So off to the ER I went to get fixed and after another lab the dr. decided to put me back on dialysis; which I really hate because I have an obscene fear of needles. I have to cower under a blanket, bite into a pillow, shut my eyes, breathe, tap my feet and try to focus on something else rather than needles!  *ick* I have to sit there for 3 ½ hours. I waste time by either doing homework, reading, catching on tv shows, twittering or emailing!

My GFR (kidney function is at a 7%) but I still feel good.

 And my friends at the “circus” It’s been since July of 2008 doing our clinical trial studies and I love these guys!  So much fun, annoying, smart and true.  Its funny working with these guys and forming a tight knit group in the space of a few weeks.

 School so far has been fairly easy. On my way to getting my undergraduate degree.

My husband has been amazing. He’s supportive and lets me use him as a “punching bag” when I’m frustrated. He’s loving and patient and comes along for my “manic” rides. Through it all, He’s been steady and he keeps on loving me despite of me.  My kids are doing well. And they love me…I find that incredibly fascinating because sometimes I don’t love me! I know I’m fickle, temperamental; moody and spoiled and even through all that they  still hug me and love me and want to be with me! Amazing!  So yes despite of it all, I’m thankful for everything!

Date: 2008-11-27 08:01 Subject: the response Security: Public Mood: contemplative

I wanted to respond to some of the salient items that were mentioned. Small Group for me has been okay. On my side of the fence, I have not let the walls down and the items that I need to process through are really not things I am comfortable bringing in small group especially if it deals with some negative emotions regarding church.  I don't feel like I am able to let down my guard wholly yet. That is still something I struggle with on a daily basis.  I am a private person by nature.  Aside from the façade that I put up front of the causes I like to take up, no one in my small group at *** knows me or rather I don't think I have let anyone in from my life   I like to be emotionally detached.

Let me back track a little on this, it was when the volunteer situation was brought up outside of church was when we decided to speak up about it.  It wasn't an ongoing situation.  In passing, what I really wanted to do was a "hey let's do an event for the volunteer so they feel app reciated!"   B and D along with the MM team have been great! Serving on the team has been a joy and an area in which I feel passionately about. It's nice to know and see that my suggestions are taken into consideration and sometimes executed!   There are other things I would like to definitely still try and do in regards to team building – but I digress.

As for the part that C shuts down when given strong directives, that is not exactly the whole of it. It is not that he is shutting you out, rather this is more of I'm not going to ague this situation because you and he will always have different perspectives of it.  This is the biggest problem I think.  Submitting into leadership and being sometimes forced to agree with the situation in which a person doesn't agree with. C likes to call it "church politics"  and prefers to stay away as far from it as possible. The main focus has always been to seek God. I think we, as a family, strive to do this daily and often times that not we do stumble.   I believe the sooner we can walk through this entire process, the better.  We look forward to hearing from you.

Date: 2008-10-11 20:59 Subject: the pastor's response Security: Public

It is unfortunate that both of your communication has been through emails rather than a face to face time with such an important decision like this.  We recognize the different seasons God takes us through as individuals and families.  If you can say that the Lord is leading your family out of *** Church and not out of offense or broken relationships, then God's will be done.  But if your leaving is because of relationship offenses,or leadership style differences then we really have to process it.  Because there must have been lot's of straws built up on the camel's back in order for this to happen.

You know that our church has grown rapidly even from the time your family joined with ours.  From the get go we strongly encourage you and as well as everyone to be a part of small group ohana where life can be processed on a regular.  You know for yourself in the past how a small group has supported you during the difficult times in your life at **.  The size of the church should not matter as long there is essential key relationships are in tact.  How has that been for both you and C?  Weren't there some relationship built over the year and a half?  Are you quick to leave them?

You are right in observing that Pastor * has quite a bit on her plate.  But didn't she speak into the various situations you brought to her whether it be ministry related or family concerns?  She does know and has demonstrated appreciation to our volunteers on a regular basis that goes well beyond a "thank you."  I know I have expressed concern and appreciation for your family on many occasions.  My conversations with C*** have included a "I'm so blessed to have you and your family with us at ***" or encouraging him to play as well as mentor the younger players in their craft.  Haven't the multi-media heads - B and D listened and taken into account your observations and suggestions in how to improve that area of ministry.  They have spoken to me of your throughness and dedication to the team.

As for the changes in the 50th Celebration rehearsals and the lack of clarity in the communication, I take responsibility for that.  I'm sorry if that created confusion on behalf of C of what was required.  There were circumstances that arose (possible construction commencement), that we had to move quickly.  C' ministry responsiblility only extended to the  am service and the rehearsal times/locations were moved.  My apologies, I should have been quicker and clearer in communication.

C, I watched the Lincoln Brewster video that you linked me to.  I can understand your frustration and identification with the comments Lincoln made.  You need to play where you can feel free to express yourself in that way that God created you.  It is definitely easier when you are playing in a quartet and the leader of the band.  Unfortunately at *** we are not in a small ensemble situation and that we all have to express our playing in a much more limited range - (style, range, timbre, frequency, etc) for the sake of the whole.  Remember the 100% rule and the pie illustration?  I wanted you as the more experienced guitar player to lead, mentor and coach the younger ones in how to temper your amount or style of playing to serve the bigger musical scheme of things.(how create a rhythmic groove, play in the windows, listen to the band dynamics, etc), hence the pairing up of you with G or N.  Yes, we all hear and process music differently and according to our background (R&B, Rock, Jazz, Gospel, Country, etc) play accordingly from our stored aural libraries.  Maybe the scenarios set up at *** is too frustrating or limiting for you, but it is how we are moving forward in this season. 

At times leadership has to be strong, especially as events draw closer.  We notice when strong directives are given, C you shut down.  I some of our conversations I heard you say that you don't like to be told what to do.  But as leaders we have to tell people the direction - musically or spiritually- we are moving in.  When you shut down communication it is difficult.  You need to express yourself.  I am not always right, neither is Tony.  You are very important as a person and a minister.  Your perspective is valued.  But if you shut down or pull out, then you stop what God wants to do in all of our lives.  We're a team, that is why at the debriefing times I try to get people to share their perspectives so we can hear each others hearts and build together.  I believe that you are offended at me or T, but we can't let that be the reason why we make decisions to leave or declare that our season is over...unless God clearly speaks.  Don't offenses rob you of what God can do through your lives.

I sincerely await your response. 

Date: 2008-10-10 07:15 Subject: season of change part 1 Security: Public Mood: mellow

**names and  such crossed off....

I'm guessing that you know that our season is up at ***.  There have been things happening that have led to the decision and the events leading up to the 50^th was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Being part or rather the lack of feeling like not part of the church community and the leadership style were key influences in our decision.

I had tried to talk to Pastor ***** about several issues I really wanted to walk through and be able to hear from another perspective, but there were other things on her plate and I didn't feel that I met the criteria for being in crisis. I asked her a few times to chat or to have coffee because I wanted to swing something by her and there was always something else that came up. She asked at one point if I was in crisis. Well my criterion was that I had to be either suicidal or dying and I was neither. Another instance was when I tried to bring up "volunteer appreciation." This only came up as Chris and I along with several other people that serve in ministry were making comments about how they just burn out, or they leave because its just basically let's see what you can give to us, ok now that you do, here is what we expect out of you and no where in between was a "hey, we really appreciate the time you take out to volunteer", or even a simple "thank you." When that was mentioned to PC, she said she understood and we were seeking attention which was the farthest thing from our minds. We saw a situation and decided to speak up so that others would be aware of that situation.

Frustration started to build along with that and then the non communication of 50^th practice changes, the scheduling of practice and the expectations of the 50^th and then not really having an organized way of implementing these things that are supposed to happen!

There was really no purpose serve in A**** trying to take a stand by saying he wasn't going to speak to C*** since he felt that the 50^th practice was not being taken seriously. I don't know what A*** was trying to accomplish in that.  

Our time at *** was definitely a season for us to learn and to grow. In light of the events that have unfolded whether they are seen through our eyes or others, our season at *** has definitely come to a close. I bid all of you a fond farewell.

Date: 2008-08-24 21:23 Subject: In service... Security: Public Location: memory lane Mood: drained Music: sounds of silence

08/24/08 8:51 p.m.

It was a weekend of being in service.  It’s sometimes nice to step out of my bubble and absorb the things going on around me.  Sometimes I think I purposely desensitize myself to my surroundings and I just get by on a day to day existence.  Truthfully, because at times it is all I can do. Like I said before, I enjoy people and learning about them, but interacting with people on a face to face basis, oh my, that taxes me. I was just made aware of that today again! 

It started off on Friday night. My hubby was asked to sub in (bass) for the youth service since there was another young adult retreat thing that worship youth band was playing at.  Since I was procrastinating on doing my paper for school, I figured hey, I’m going to check it out. I haven’t seen him play bass for a long time and I haven’t really had the time to just listen to him play. We get there so he can practice before service and I offer to help.  They told me they had no one run multi media, would you run it for us? So of course I agreed.

 I was in awe.  To see the youth giving up their Friday night, coming to service, seeing them hunger for the Word, and to draw nearer to God.  Seeing the camaraderie and the closeness they all had with each other.  Seeing how open they were and just their heart of worship, I was truly blessed!  Saturday morning, I ran multi media for the young adult retreat and saw the same heart, the same passion that the youth have for God. That led me to analyze, our Sunday service is so cattle like. As if service is a day of obligation, another chore to get out of the way. And honestly there are days I feel like that. The days I have to get up early, set up and serve in the ministry. It gets tiring at times.  Adults are ensconced in their own little world.  I look out into the sea of people and see that most of us have lost our passion to draw nearer God. We get so bombarded by the busyness of our lives that we put God on the back burner.  I remember when I first encountered God, how I longed to know more, how I wanted to draw nearer, how I saw what a difference he made in my life. I’ll admit I have that lackadaisical attitude that no matter what God’s going to always provide for me. I take that for granted at times.

 Another part of Saturday afternoon was hearing our small group got cancelled since the host’s children were ill.  We dropped off chicken noodle soup, orange juice, French bread, and a 2lb block of sashimi.  The sashimi was for the parents!  

 Sunday was another day of running multi media in the morning, Caught up with some old friends and had a late breakfast after service.  Came home and took a nap. Woke up sometime later and had the hardest time getting out of bed.  I think being around everyone and just doing things really made me crash hard.  Have to regroup and focus on me for a bit.  I think that’s why I enjoy the internet boards. I can come and go as I please and see what everyone is up to at the same time :)

Date: 2008-08-20 05:58 Subject: A trip down memory lane.. Security: Public Location: beyond these 4 walls Mood: nostalgic Music: waking up sounds...

So my assignment was to write a narrative essay and this is the draft of what i came up with...(in an hour :P)

            I can remember the exact moment when I felt myself get emotionally attached without intending to. It was a sunny day, feeling the warmth of the sun’s rays on my skin and the breeze wreaking havoc with my hair.   I was walking on the beach, expectant with my second child, when my husband decides to enforce his visitation with his 150 lbs of Rottweiler.  We go and pick the dog up. His name was Makoa. We put him in the bed of the truck and decide to take him for a walk on one of the beaches near Kuliouou Valley Rd.

When I first saw Makoa, the thoughts that raced through my head were: Oh, a big dog, Yuck, I wonder if he drools, then I hope he has been treated for fleas!  Not exactly warm thoughts I thought to myself.  I realized in the same instant that I should attempt to be on friendly terms. What if I had to walk him or I had to be left alone with the dog?  His size alone was intimidating enough but to factor in all the horror stories I have heard or read about the Rottweiler such as that they are known to be vicious, they are known for aggressive behavior, maul children and family members, cause injuries etc.  Not exactly my first choice for a family pet!  I threw caution into the wind and decided that I was going to be friends with this dog.

I sat on the sand and called out his name. He came bounding up to me, shoved his nose into my face, turned himself around and proceeded to sit in my lap as if he belonged there and that there was no other place in the world he would rather have been! It was as that very moment that I fell in love with that dog.   I took him everywhere with me. Car rides, grocery shopping, a quick trip to a convenience store, the mall.  We even took Christmas and Easter photos with him! During a three week hospital stay, I even snuck outside the hospital grounds so I could hang out with Makoa for a few minutes.  My husband had decided earlier we both needed some cheering up. He took the dog along for the ride to the hospital and I snuck out of my hospital room and met them outside the lobby doors. I still grin at that memory. We had good times and fond memories of Makoa.

 Sadly those times were soon to end.  That boy was getting old.  He was 14 years old. You could definitely start to see the wear and tear of his years on his face and body. One evening I kept tossing and turning, I finally got myself out of bed at 4 a.m.  I puttered around the house and realized that it was too quiet.  I can usually find Makoa at the foot of our bed or hear the scuffing of his paws as makes his way to where I am at.  I am standing at the kitchen, waiting for my coffee to brew.

 I call out his name and get no response.  I start to worry and wander around our house.  I open the door and just outside our door, lying on the cold cement was my dog. He had just breathed his last breath.  His body was still warm and he lay there at peace.  I screamed and cried for what seemed like hours. I even called in sick, with the excuse my dog died, I can’t come in. I was deeply devastated at his passing.  Eventually my husband manages to calm me down, covers Makoa’s lifeless body with a yellow towel, picks him up, puts him in the car, takes the dog down to our vet clinic and makes cremation arrangements.  Makoa’s ashes now sit on a display shelf in our home.  I’ll always remember the good times with Makoa and maybe one day, I’ll open up my heart again to let another black and tan bundle of fur into my life.

Date: 2008-07-07 13:03 Subject: Trudging along.. Security: Public Location: the recesses of my mind.. Mood: determined Music: Hillsongs United

As usual, it’s been  a whirlwind of  things happening in this household. I’ve committed to overseeing Multimedia and despite all my misgivings and  crap I was bitching about, I love it!  I enjoy being a part of the whole. That’s the closest I can describe what I feel.

On other things, my goal is to earn a BS in Health Administration and I’m on my way, only 3 more years to go!  Hah! Today I interviewed for my dream job. Seriously, it’s a pilot project, I get to be part of the first time that implements said project and  now I’m just waiting with baited breath, crossed fingers and what the heck, I’ll cross my toes too!

Married life with  kids, it has its up and downs, but you know what I feel truly blessed. (remind me that I said that next time I’m aggravated over something minute!)  The oldest is well she’s 14 …so yeah….  the 7 year old on the other hand, amuses me to no end. Her sayings, thoughts and the formation of those things always puts a smile on my face. The last conversation we had was about lei making.  She made candy leis for  aunts and uncles that were going back to North Carolina and I happened to ask, did you make me one? So with a straight face, she said, “I’ll make you a lei when you die and put in your grave.” She then turns to her dad and said “Dad, you’re going to die too.  In fact we’re all going to die eventually.”  Her face was so intense and it was really comical despite the choice of subject! I don’t know where she gets those thoughts from.  We were playing with Barbie just minutes before!

Now for the health side of things,  it doesn’t look good. But as usual I am trudging along. I’ve seen the up and downs of this so this is just another dip in the road.  Back in 2005, my kidney function was at 2%, a year later it improved to 18%. As of this year, things haven’t been so good. GFR has started coming down to 13%, last check was 07/05/08 and well GFR is now at 10%.  Trying a drug called CellCept and still waiting for a kidney. So we’ll see how that works in about a month or so.  Despite that setback, I remain in good spirits. I can’t do anything else but get over it and move on!  *grins* Gotta just roll with the punches right? Life still moves on and waits for no one.

Date: 2008-03-29 09:54 Subject: processing my thoughts, ends with head exploding... Security: Public Location: 4 walls and a roof Mood: stressed Music: dog barking

I’ve been serving in Multi media ministry for several months now in our “new” church.  This past Easter makes it a year that we’ve been attending.  I’ve served in MM previously on our old church for about 2 ½ years.

So serving in MM is something fun.  I like being part of a team that helps in making a difference in. I haven’t decided if it is truly my passion. I do it because I know I can.  And part of it provides a connection with my husband as he plays on the worship team. So we talk about what’s going on for Sunday, the songs, group etc.

When we first started attending our new church, I was hesitant to serve.  Heck, I was even resentful that we were even going to another church! This was the going to be 4^th church we’ve gone to now.  The last church we were at we were part of it for 3 years, despite all the things that come along when serving in ministry, that  place was starting to feel like home and for  a time it was our home church, our church family. They were there for us during a really tough time and after.   I can’t describe the feeling of what it has been like for me while we were there, aside from it felt like everyone was aunty or uncle, cousins etc.   And then this worship pastor comes and changes things around. And that’s me being nice about it.  Things started to take a turn for the worse (doesn’t that always happen in ministry?)  and it became a battle of who was right and who was wrong and people were starting to take sides. In the end,  my husband stepped down and left because it stopped being about church and it started focusing on submission to whoever was in authority.  I’m sorry but just because they have a title of worship pastor doesn’t necessarily make him a good person or a good leader!

Fast forward to NOW and I guess I’ve been doing a passable job of MM, as I’ve been asked to assist our MM overseer.  And I said sure no problem, what the hey and you know what?   I’ve been enjoying it.  Well here’s the kicker, that overseer?  He wants to go into Missions and wants me to step up and serve in his capacity.  And I’m like yeah ok; let me see how this goes first.  But as the days dwindle down to when he’s actually not going to be in MM. I am freaking out.  I felt like I was thrown into the whole thing. As if there was an agenda to get someone is so someone could move out so to speak.   Not one week has gone by where we haven’t had some kind of glitch happening, or last minute adjustments or just something and damn it I hate working under pressure with people behind me because I either blank out or can’t type for beans, or can’t freaking recall which damn buttons to push!

So this is what I have been pondering on:  this is from an email sent to me and asked of me:

1) re-focus on God's calling; why did God put within you a desire to jump into MM? As far having the right people plugged in, I haven't met someone that would be better in this position than you. But it doent matter what I think, but what God says. Simply what is the vision?  (My vision was to build a MM that was sustainable overtime and that was more indepedent of a single overseer having to be there every single week to transfer files)

2) Pray about a timeframe to serve. What would you be willing to commit to? For me, I was a part of the MM for two years at *** but as an overseer, I was definitely looking at 1 year to accomplish the vision.

    The things that God put on our hearts to do are worth fighting for and must be fought for. But the best feeling is when you look back and know that you did your part and you glorified God.

***my head has just now exploded****

Date: 2008-02-14 13:44 Subject: tagged! Security: Public Mood: content Tags: meme

 i was tagged 2 days ago and after much procrastination...i am finally here, posting :)

Book Meme Instructions:

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
   

2. Open the book to page 123.
   

3. Find the fifth sentence.
   

4. Post the next three sentences.
   

5. Tag five people and post a comment here once you post it to your blog so I can come and see.

Here's my responses:

1. The Samurai's Garden by: Gail Tsukiyama

2. Opening

3. Hold on, I’m counting...
   

4. Here goes:  Matsu shook his head. "I guess it will only become harder as we grow older."  I thought of how difficult it must be, to be so far from help in case of any emergencies.
   

1.    Now to tag 5 people.... umm gee i don't know how to use the link function......:P

Date: 2008-01-18 20:11 Subject: new beginnings Security: Public Mood: amused Music: snoring dog

It's already 2008!  The days fly by and melt into a blur, wonderous to me is how i can keep my head above it all.  For this week, my headaches and joys consist of chairing 2 events, asking to step up as co-overseer in multi media, night classes 2 x  a week (exploring the medical field) and if i do well then next semester concurrently work on 2 majors, *gome*  along with that i still volunteer at my little one's school and also help in her classroom.  

My oldest sister and I have started to really "get" each other and we're starting to become friends.  I'm really happy over that. That's been in the making for a while and i didn't think it was EVER going to happen!


(notes to me)
*PTG
*FUN FEST
*SA
*BUTTERFLY EXCURSION 

:)

Date: 2008-01-09 11:48 Subject: dysfunction at its best! Security: Public Location: in my head Mood: contemplative Music: laundry in the dryer Tags: sisters

*sigh* i wonder if we all will ever get to terms and be able to see and love each other for who really are.

my oldest sister disdains people that don't want to go college, seems to think they won't have a life.

my other sister is in her own world, in a myriad of complicated relationships; wife and mother vying for the top spots.

my mother lives with too many sorrows, many regrets and what ifs, which are then pawned off on her brood. ahh the guilt trips!
so far i've yet to gone on one since my teen age years.  

i think it all boils down to control or to some the lack of it.  Control your destinies, harness the winds, soar above etc but in the act of doing these things, do we see what is in front of us, the things that we can most easily grasp. a kiss, laughter from a child, ahug, eyes that look into you and trust you.  i wish i could impart some of these impressions upon my mother, my sisters but they are too busy chasing the pot at the end of the rainbow.  

don't get me wrong, each of them are successful in their own right, but sometimes i feel like they miss the big picture. i've finally lerned to just be complacent and nod my head.  i've already found out earlier that we all think that we are right and whoever is the last to be heard is right!  so it end up in a cacophony of noise and ends up in bitterness and disgust.  i truly believe that each person has their own journey to take  and no one person is right. its all a matter of choices.

Date: 2008-01-07 10:04 Subject: Just breathe! Security: Public Mood: busy Music: african grey chatter Tags: family

It has been a mad rush since December. Seeing old friends and reconnecting with them.  By far, my biggest accomplishment of all was finally letting go of the past with my oldest sister. We are now on talking terms and it seems as we are both really truly trying to remain friends.  it's funny, my husband told me if my faith was so strong as i perceived it to be then why do i act "unchristianlike" meaning that i had a hard time forgiving my sister and mending fences with her,  i swore her out of my life at one point even.  but time heals and time makes the years go by and time makes you wiser i believe.   the part that got me though? that i actually missed her. i missed having an older sister.. granted that it was not at all rosy between us, but family is family and when it counted she was there, i still can remember that.  (wow that brought back some warm fuzzy feelings!)
anyhow, after christmas, was our 4th anniversary, we decided to spend it in Hilo.  I love the feel of "old Hawaii"
It's still wild and seemingly untouched.  Guava, oranges, lychee mountain apples and bamboo trees still growing freely and in abundance. People really stop to tell you hello or just chat about life in general and they really are friendly!  I suppose it helps that we have family lving out there. 

 People still go over to the neighbor's/friend's housed to help plant, build a deck, move  for nothing!  Jellies and jams are still canned or jarred, lots of homemade things.  To me I think that is what stands out the most, community involvement.  that characterizes a lot for the people and the town i think.
New Year's Eve was nice, quiet for a bit . I was the tending to the BBQ while  people were milling about . C was with his dad at the men's mininstry prayer thing.  The kids were inside and i was hanging out on the deck bbq-ing while the dogs were at my feet. 

New Year's Eve came and went, with an cacophony of explosions.  I think they were still popping firecrackers until 2 am, then  still had some left over to pop when the kids woke up and could pop the rest up til 1 pm.

Did the family thing, just hang out, chatted sipped on coffee and the usual things until Wednesday morning!  We finally headed out to Mauna Kea. It was picture perfect! Beautiful, Scening and Bitingly Cold!  Played in the snow for a bit. We all got giggly and silly and what not .  Finally headed on down and to Ken's Pancake House.  The food was ok but the service was great!   back on Oahu on Thursday morning, sort of unpacked, reunited with our animals and went down for a nap. 

Friday was my youngest ones birthday.  She turned 7. We had pizza and ice cream for dinner since that was what she wanted and it was just a small gathering.  The following day my in laws took all 3 of us to watch The Water Horse and dinner at Highway Inn.  went back to their house,  mom and c took a nap, dad did the NY times puzzle and i played Memory with my daughter.  She beat me 5 times.  I refused to play her after  that :P also especially since she said I DEFEATED YOU!  *blah*

Sunday was our church service. C  had to play and i had to man MM.  I was asked to step up in assisting the overseer for MM. Interseting.  I keep wondering whats in store for us.

My pledge for the New Year? To be a better wife, mother, friend, to  really listen, to  speak in kindness, and to be a better role model for my kids to be able to look up to.  I pray that my family will always be close and stronger and that we can weather whatever storms life may bring to us.  For my oldest daughter to come home, to have her faith be strengthened and renewed.

oh and that i do better than well in college this time around ;)

Date: 2007-12-24 04:27 Subject: as things come to an end... Security: Public

wow, this has been definitely a busy season! with being a parent partner for my little one, halau, church and finally
getting involved in the multi-media ministry.  i can now just be. its been crazy doing things for others, that sometimes
my family time gets affected. volunteering to do this or that, and my my poor hubby just puts up with it all and says nothing!

this past saturday i was up at 4 am, out and about by 5 am helping aunty lynn deliver "slippahs" to the homeless children on
the waianae coast and at the shelter.  it was so heart breaking, to see the tents out there, some of them decorated with christmas ornaments, and little babies being walking about. its no way for people to live, yet some do.  *sigh*

and in the midst of all this "busy-ness" my mom and i had a tiff!  we were talking about my oldest sister and my relationship.  beingthe youngest, she treats me as i don't know anything a if i don't have a voice, which i vented out to my mom and my mom went off on a tangent! she was like your sister should be like a second mom to you, i want her to be that way and i'm like look we're not going to see her in that role because in the first place she never acted like a big sister! she was too busy with here life, we share no closeness.  and i don't hold it against her, its just the way it is. then it came to expectations, where my mom was saying my sister and her expected so much out of me academically and just life in general since mom paid for a private school education for me. and i was like hmm, it's wrong to expect anything from anyone, you'd probably be dissapointed! then mom went on to say that she wasted her money on me because i didn't finish college, so of course i flung back what the hell woould she care? she didn't think i'd graduate my senior year and didn't bother to come to my HS graduation!  (i was moved out and living with my boyfriend -1st husband my junior year- we payed tuition for my senior year & i did go to college! just my associates degree and my life went on)  so being that i said that, she being in denial said i don't want to talk about it anymore and hung on me.  *sigh* so there goes another drama~  

i don't know why they can't see that im perfectly content to be where im at. i have a family that loves me despite my faults,  and somehow friends that still love me despite my issues! we have our home, our zoo etc.  if  i died tomorrow, i would have no regrets.

as i've gone over our phone conversations, i would have liked to yell at her, if you wasted so much money on me, then you should have left me to die when i was in the hospital!   *ugh* funny how she still makes me react even from 3000  miles away! oh well, im'm debating if i should call her and wish her a merry christma tomorrow. 

Date: 2007-12-03 06:37 Subject: Unplugged Security: Public Mood: awake Music: birds chirping

Been staying away a but from my frequent net haunts.  haven't twittered or even looked at the HT trivia question, posted i think 2 comments on another board.  Just kind of wanted to just be for a little while. Last Thursday was my Small Group Ohana.  I just realized that I do enjoy going (even though I dillly dally to get there!) I enjoy their wisdom, their stories of life but most of all their perspective and what strengthens their walk in their faith.  

Friday was the usual routine, hang out in the a.m. with the morning crew, help with the 1st grade class then finally they long awaited hearing test for my youngest.  she's had ear tubes inserted twice since 2 years old.  wa worried about scarred tissue and hearing etc. but she passed it with flying colors! 

Saturday was such a long, long, long but worthwhile day! Daughter's halau from 9, fitting and practice then it was off to Windward Mall to do Lokahi project  then in the late afternoon, it was a friends ho'ike, so we helped with that and  we were finally home by 9:30 ish, just in time to watch a few minutes of the UH game! egads! talk about the edge of your seat!  A

Anyhow, as I've gone about our daily activites, i haven't had the inclination to jump on the puter, probably because i've been thinking bout things from the past, how it affects my present.  For instance, we went back to visit our old church last week Sunday, and of course we ran into Pastor M (worship pastor).  I said my piece about him in an  earlier rant :P.  As we were driving over the H3 my hubby and I got to talking and  i realized that i was angry and i was mad at heck at that guy! I blamed him for us leaving that church and if orget what else i ranted about! LOL but i've realized i shouldn't have put my expectations up just because he hold the title of Pastor, cuz' underneath it all, he is still human, prone to weaknesses and failure and mistakes.  So when service was over, i was able to say hello, give him a hug and move on

This week,  I'm chewing on my small group ohana.  I visited another group. and let me tell you i felt soooo old. The kids on the Wed. group were mostly young collegiate, in their late 20's. and when they shared i felt *flashbacks*  me in a former life,which wasn't so long ago.  but i was able to laugh at their stories only because i could relate.  crashing cars, tantrums, always havng to get your away, always being right, and the classic "you have to forgive me because i SAID i was sorry!" oh my, that makes me grin, how young and idealistic were my views back then. i will admit  i was a rotten kid, at times i was even toxic and maybe to this day,i still have remnants of that old me  show up O.O.  but with God's grace,I'm still learning and i am far from being what i even want to become.  with that said, i may have to choose between wed and thurs small group.   wed,  because i have something to share with the younger generation, i've lived it and came out through it okay. and  i want thurs  because its the small group that i started with. and if i move to wed, i don't even know if i'm ready  to branch out, if these "kids" will even care about what i want to share etc.  so any of you that read, drop me a line, i'd like to know your thoughts on this.     

Date: 2007-11-26 03:13 Subject: wounded in heart Security: Public Mood: crushed

i was hurt to the core by a person who i thought was a "safe" person.  proving once again, that its sometimes better to not let people get THAT close to you.

on Sunday afternoon, i attended  a Total Transformation class.  at the end of the final session,  Pastor Rob prayed and prophesied over some of us.  I was quite interested in the things that said and therefore ensued in a discussion with another party after.  I thought or still think that i have the gift of "knowing people"  you know when you meet someone and instantly in the gut you can "feel" that person's negative vibe or whatever? sometimes i can sense that or sense if people are being phony or sometimes i just have impressions.  and i've shared this with one other person only  just to bounce if  he felt the same thing too or just so i can voice it out loud to see if im correct.  little did i know that as i've shared this thing with this person, that he was judging me.  i was being too negative,i get mad too easily etc. my walk is a christian is not strong enough because i cannot apply His teachings in my life in dealing with people.  hmmm. is being real, sometimes raw and honest being a bad thing? i'm only stating my impressions i get of people that have crossed into my path, whether they be bad or good. and sometimes i share it because i don't want my family "infected."  

So after he gave me his feedback, i felt so hurt. I felt something in my heart change. i don't know yet where this leads, but in service today, the sermon was about casting out our stones. because the stones we carry from our past and now burdens our soul. and if we can cast them out with God's grace, then we can be free and our souls will be lighter.  For the moment, the wounds are cut to deep and i have a stone lodged in there, a stone of unforgiveness.  the sad part is that as i told the other person how i felt,  it doesn't dawn on him how deeply he hurt me. and that wound just keep on getting in deeper.

Date: 2007-11-18 07:16 Subject: here we go again! Security: Public Mood: blah Music: my noisy parrots

for the past few weeks, i've been feeling so zonked,  just so tired and falling asleep on the couch.  i remember telling my 6 year old to finish alphabetizing 10 spelling words and she woke me up at  #7, since there were 2 words that started with the same later.  i've been noticing that i can't finish my tv shows either since i fall asleep halfway through it!  finally went to the dr's last week and ran some lab work.  results are in, and i'm anemic again.  *sigh*  what this means to me is my body isn't producing enoigh red blood cells and taking iron pills does not help. so im worried something is wrong with my kidneys again. 

see below:

Anemias caused by underlying diseases

Some diseases can hurt the body's ability to make red blood cells. For example, anemia is common in people with kidney disease. Their kidneys can't make enough of the hormones that signal the body to make red blood cells. Plus, iron is lost in dialysis (what some people with kidney disease must have to remove waste from the blood).  taken from http://www.4women.gov/faq/anemia.htm

so im just thinking crap! blah! and some other so not choice things. i'm allowing myself to be freekin miserable and rotten for a few days :P  in the meantime i still believe in the power of prayer, so well you know what i'll be fervently praying for!